44 year old programmer Ted Jones of Des Moines, Iowa wins the 2019 Microsoft feature finder grand prize.
Redmond, WA -- An exhubilant Ted Jones celebrating the 2019 Microsoft Windows Feature Finder contest. Ted Jones credited the win to training, mental stamina, and of course, "God almighty who helped me pull through in the end."
The contest, first conceived of in 1996, in Microsoft's words, "give users a fun and adventurous way to get to know the latest version or revision of the ubiquitous Microsoft Windows operating system.
Microsoft's engineers routinely release new updates of their operating system, and routinely, almost compulsively, move frequently used features and options to novel and "interesting" places.
The grand challenge in the 2019's "Originative Edition" version of Windows 10 moved the screen resolution options to an especially creative and challenging place. Mr. Jones was the first to discover the location these options location and thus the first to be able to enable 4k resolution in this itteration of windows 10.
"I'd spent months at lowly 1280x720, searching high and low, knowing that Microsoft had moved this option to a fun and intriguing location, one that had baffled my peers and parents alike. As would luck would have it, one day I sneezed and the touch screen felt the moisture on the background image that ships with the operating system." The rest, was history.
Turns out a subtle up to down motion on a broken window in the stock graphic of a broken down factory triggered this option screen and the ability to change resolutions. "I immediately called my wife, Honey you won't f***ing believe it, I found the screen res option!!"
Engineer Stan Wheeler in Redmond confirmed the win, "this was indeed the only way to change this option. We congratulate Mr. Jones for unlocking this option for himself, and indeed for mankind."
While most were excited on the discovery, some technology advocates were less enthusiastic. Says Juan Adams of the Technology Research Council, "it's f**king stupid for Microsoft to change the location of options in every f***king version and to disable old ways to access those options. Are they f**king high? Are they sociopaths?" Juan elaborated further on his feelings for the people that in his words "routinely make hairbrained design decisions designed to frustrate, annoy, and confuse users, young and old."
The winner of the 2018 Feature Finder grand prize said he disagreed. "It made me an instant star, especially with the women," says Jim Quentin. Jim was famous for finding the volume controls in the 2018 release of windows 10. That feature could only be activated by mashing the keyboard with an open fist and doing clockwise motions for volume up, counter-clockwise for volume down.
Engineer Stan wheeled added, "I personally designed last year's challenge. The other engineers loved it and I think most people probably did too. One of the other guys said we should do counter clockwise for volume up, but I pointed out that would be illogical, and we're nothing if not logical at Microsoft."
A passing flock of seagulls contributed to this report.