Higher wall going up around whitehouse "for public safety"

Police in Washington, DC released a statement today advising the public of "a public safety" concern and outlining steps that are being taken to mitigate damage.  

When reached for interview Chief of Police Ted Anderson explained, "We had seen a bit of a crime wave in close proximity to the capital.  We mobilized resources and were able to ascertain the crime wave was localized, coming from within the white house.  Due to justice department guidelines, we're not able to enforce any laws on these premises."

Republicans Jublient! Mueller finds Trump's collusion with Russia was Implicit, NOT explicit!!!

Republicans danced in the streets, on their farms, and on Wall Street Tuesday, as the Mueller report revealed special council Robert Mueller had vindicated Trump, ruling that his conspiracy and collusion had no written contract and thus was too intangible to be criminally actionable.  While special council Mueller did find 745 contacts with Russia that the Trump campaign had lied about, there was nothing agreed upon in writing that could be brought before a jury.  The closest thing found was a picture of Putin and Trump holding up a sign that said "drop sanctions in exchange for a half bill

Norad Tracks Spaceborn Elephant Dung in GOP Convention Year Tradition

In what has become a convention tradition for the GOP, Norad said they were tracking rocket propelled elephant dung.  The dung, launched from a private site in California, is tracked in orbit during the GOP convention and returns to earth on the nominating night of the convention as the candidate is being coronated.  

Norad said the rocketized dung was last tracked over North Dakota at over 800 miles per hour.  If all goes according to plan, it will reenter the atmosphere over Cleveland Friday night burning up as it enters the atmosphere and very likely RNC Cleveland 2016not causing anyone or anything serious damage.  

The tradition was said to have been started during the 1984 presidential election by Reagan and his surrogates.  As the space race still roared strong, the legend goes Reagan had the idea of launching a symbol of the Republican party into the atmosphere.  George Bush Sr. quipped a carton of elephant dung would be appropriate and the joke grew legs and with the help of Lockheed Martin and a related trillion dollar defense contract a tradition was born.  

Here in Cleveland on this balmy night excited onlookers joked and jostled from the streets in anticipation of the nomination of Donald James "Tricky Eyes" Trump, and anticipation of the elephant feces raining down from heaven.  Some onlookers suggested the symbolism was especially poignant this year considering Trump's relatively non-specific platform and the consensus that his presidency almost certainly would not do the country any serious lasting damage.  The sense of risk correlates of course with the tragedy of 1992 when the fecal rocket was scheduled to decend over the convention hall in Houston Texas but instead failed to separate, hitting the ground as a fireball and burning down an orphanage outside of Tuscon Arizona.  

 

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