Police in Washington, DC released a statement today advising the public of "a public safety" concern and outlining steps that are being taken to mitigate damage.
When reached for interview Chief of Police Ted Anderson explained, "We had seen a bit of a crime wave in close proximity to the capital. We mobilized resources and were able to ascertain the crime wave was localized, coming from within the white house. Due to justice department guidelines, we're not able to enforce any laws on these premises."
The captain said several steps are being taken to contain the issue. The white house fence, which currently stands at 8 feet, will be replaced with a 13 foot one to help contain the risk to the public. Gates will be locked from the outside, so as not to allow the public to come into harms way.
According to Anderson, some low level white house staffers have been brought onto the effort to contain what he termed a "menace". When pressed for criminal actions that the occupant or occupants had been accused of, he listed "Grand larceny, fraud, tax fraud, sexual assault, campaign finance violations, witness tampering, obstruction of justice" and added "this is by no means a complete list."
Staffers inside the compound had resorted to distraction tactics to try to contain the problem. Said one staffer speaking of one of the suspects, "he'll say he's going to play golf and start to leave and we'll say 'sir you just got back from playing golf.' He'll look confused and sit down and we'll follow it up with, 'look sir, Hannity is on!'"
When asked of Anderson whether these public safety measures would contain the threat, he admitted "I just don't know.' He said further more radical measures were being considered, such as providing unlimited high-cholesterol fried chicken to the White House in hopes nature might provide a "quiet, painless" solution to the problem. He said in the mean time the public should be on guard, and not believe anything on Foxnews.
A family of ground squirrels contributed to this report.