Republicans danced in the streets, on their farms, and on Wall Street Tuesday, as the Mueller report revealed special council Robert Mueller had vindicated Trump, ruling that his conspiracy and collusion had no written contract and thus was too intangible to be criminally actionable. While special council Mueller did find 745 contacts with Russia that the Trump campaign had lied about, there was nothing agreed upon in writing that could be brought before a jury. The closest thing found was a picture of Putin and Trump holding up a sign that said "drop sanctions in exchange for a half billion dollar tower deal" signed by Putin and Trump, but Mueller lamented there was no notary line or notary signature. Indeed the crucial step of having a notary present seems to have been completely skipped. And although likenesses of Don Jr, Ivanka, Kuschner, and other Trump campaigners appeared in the background, no signature or personal testimony confirmed it was actually them. "It could have been a hologram," lamented Mueller.
With his new found vindication, Trump seemed energized and invigorated to make America greater than he already had. He immediately lifted the remaining sanctions on Russia, having previously lifted some but not all. He immediately announced an executive order to give nuclear weapons to Saudi Arabia and Qatar, and declared that gays would not only be excluded from the military but from post offices, DMV's, and other government agencies.
Said farmer Tim Daniels in Iowa who had been reeling from the recent trade spat with China, "at last we have a president who truly cares about making America great!" He then asked this reporter and also our cameraman if we would like to buy any soybeans, of which we immediately purchased $5 between us.